some of my favorite recent memories

Okay, So I know that these first three pictures are obviously not recent. But earlier this week my mom and I went through old photo albums (I suggest doing this :) and we had so much together.

prayer

this isn't enough...i need change

Lord I need you to change in me, move in me

make me a clean pure heart

blossoms

I knew there were going to be days like this...

Laugher always breaks the silence

restores the uneasiness in my soul

I pretend tears are rain drops

watering my dried up feelings

of frustration,sweet bitterness, and misunderstanding

the glances across the room are empty

meaningless

lull

always there is more laughter

it covers up

covers up the tears that are....

spinning spinning spinning

and suddenly they are lost

but I don't fear

It all changes when the new sun rises

and flowers blossom.

Because my sister wants more pictures...

As my little sister was looking at my blog, she seemed very uninterested. She told me I needed more pictures.... I agreed.

This picture is of us in San Francisco last summer.. I love her face expression and how the camera caught the "Jesus Christ Loves You" sign in the background.

more pictures to come...thanks to my little.

happiest moments

I am happiest most when.....

surrounded by my friends, they make me want to be a better me

learning from my mother... if I could one day be only half of the woman she is

reading a book

at church

writing

letting my heart get inspired by magical melodies and thought provoking lyrics

giving my imagination the permission to be unleashed

at a park

watching a sunset

surrounded by flowers

singing (ha)

spending time with my sisters

painting

shooting hoops

dancing

getting lost in the twinkles of the stars

taking walks

caught in the beauty of silence

drinking coffee

feeling rain drops on my skin

puppies lick my face

my dad plays his acoustic guitar

God speaks to my heart

I am flying.... aka swinging on a swing

summer

My moments with God are growing.

I pay more attention.

Learning to balance.... and take risks

My heart is unruffled and fulfilled

Having fun and letting my goofy side be expressed

decided. realized. ready

At the end of the day.

The moments where I lay in bed before I fall asleep

I want these moments to be full of peace, hope, thankfulness and prayer.

I want look back on the day and know that I loved well

tried my best

took risks

made a difference

stayed focused

laughed

showed God's love

and in the end know... that I was myself, just me.

Because lately these last few moments before I fall asleep have been filled with...

pointless worries

fears of failing

thoughts of not being good enough

feeling hopeless in this world

selfish dreams

finding ways to impress others

and in the end... I felt empty, unsatisfied, not me.

Soooooooo, I have decided, realized and I am ready.

Decided to be me, just me

Realized it takes more effort to be someone else, rather than just you.

Ready to be bold, ready to love, take risks, make a difference.....

June is already full of excitement, happiness and new adventures.

may.

It will be June a day from now.

May is coming to an end.

This month I can't even begin to describe to you the

craziness, tiredness, laughter, hope, tears, new-beginnings and confusion.

I feel as if I might need to take a week of solitude to debrief... ponder... wonder.... gather thoughts and re-create peace, steady waves, and a full heart of grace, compassion, tenderness, hope, and love.

Sometimes I am unable to fully understand God's overflowing deep intimate love He has for me and His children.

It's humbling to know that I serve a God that never runs out of grace, favor, love and likeness...

I can't do it all. I can't compete with God. I need him.

My old youth pastor, someone I really look up to and who has greatly contributed to the person I am today, recently just wrote in his Life Journal, "To be helped is to be humbled."

I need God's help. I need humbling. Everyday.

This month, I wish I was humbled more.

I freaked out, worried too much, gave up, got off track.

What May didn't fall short of or lacked in any way was friends and family.

I have discovered friendships that I value and treasure.

I found friends in my life that I would do anything for.

My family is closer than ever... My brothers and sisters are becoming best friends.

We are learning to count on one another. I am happy. These are lifelong relationships that God chose for me. In other words. I don't just love them because I have to. I choose to. I want to.

This will be a May to remember... and turning 20 really wasn't so bad.

June is the start of something new. I have hope for June.

A sloppy wet kiss

" to see him more clearly, love him more dearly, follow him more nearly"

I want to see you Lord. I want my eyes to recognize you. In the storm, the dust, smoke, blur, and confusion. I want to see you in the fog. Hear you through the silence. Feel you in the stillness. Allow my eyes to be open to see your heart.

I want my greatest love story to be our story. To love you more than any earthly thing. To be called yours, to be desired by you, to encounter your grace, to be your beloved... I can only love you more deeply.

For you will never leave me nor forsake me. Your light shines on my darkest days, guiding me, leading me. Lovely in all directions. I am lost, and in need of your guidance. I can rest in the power of the unknown... Knowing you are the power in my life.

In the John Mark Mcmillan song "How He loves", there is this line that I believe describes the raw, pure, intimate desire God has for us.

"So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss"

There is something so intimate and divine that happens when a little bit of heaven meets earth. But just imagine the encounter of heaven meeting earth with a genuine, tender, passionate sloppy wet kiss. Whoa how he loves us.

If you have never heard the song, Stop reading and go listen to it now. There are many different versions of the song, but I encourage you to listen to the original... Many other artists change the phrase "sloppy wet kiss" to "unforeseen kiss" and for reasons I am not sure of. But I believe a sloppy wet kiss embodies the true affection and intimacy God desires with us. This song captures God's heart.

Lord thank you for loving me.

Here I am.

A broken human being, desiring to love and serve my savior

that is all the matters.

Hope my future and Hope for the World

the world makes me laugh...

"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the world."

Today I was walking in San Francisco with my sister, and looking through the window of a small boutique was a sign with this very quote... makes you laugh huh?? Life is funny sometimes when you come to a place where everything around you is perfect.

"My colors will be clear"

found this, love this, By: Infiltrate, "Worth Dying For

"I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made.I'm a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away,or be still.My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure.I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smoothknees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, orrewarded.I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by Holy Spirit power.My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven.My road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my guide is reliable and my mission is clear.I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back,deluded or delayed.I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence ofthe adversary.I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up,prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.I am a disciple of Jesus!I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear!"

God Inspired or Me Inspired

I have come the realization that dreams, if not God inspired, will set you up for failure.

There has become this movement of

dream-makers,

dream-seekers,

dream-believers,

and dream-doers

that are on the arise to probably take over the world.

And my only fear and set back for not joining in all the fun-filled dreaming is because I allow influences,other than God to muster up my dreams.

And this is the type of dreaming I am talking about that will set you up for failure.

This type of dreaming is toxic to your future.

Take it from me, I once went from dream-chaser to dream-failure in the matter of days.

All because I allowed popular trends and opinions to put a false hope in my heart.

Pushing me to go after something that I could never achieve...

originally, genuinely and whole-heartedly

Because my dreams were not God inspired they were Me inspired

Dreams that went after selfish desires

whether it be for fame

pleasure

acceptance

greed or

jealousy

This type of dreaming God wants nothing to do with

He is hurt & disappointed when we put our

hearts, energy and passions towards dreams that are not of his delight.

We, has followers of Christ have the power to dream God sized dreams

Dreams that require an unshakable amount of faith

Dreams that require God running right along side you, never behind you

Dreams that are only achievable with his strong foundation

Dreams that he has specifically placed in your heart

Dreams that challenge

Dreams that bring hope

Dreams that can stand up to the brokenness of this world

Dreams that power this world

Dreams that love without end

Whatever type of dream, may it be God inspired

Now as for myself not joining in on this dream believing, chasing, making lifestyle...

I know God has placed dreams and desires in my heart

It is now just a matter of me seeking and delighting myself in him

So he can truly reveal his plan for my life

I honestly believe that God will not send you his God inspired dreams until you completely delight yourself in him

(so until this happens... dreams will only be Me inspired dreams.)

Chase after him.

Desire him

Seek him

Love him

Dream him.

I do give myself Hope for the dreams God has placed in my heart

I do have hope for the dreams God has placed in your heart too

Now just delight in him.

psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

(It's tattooed on my foot for crying out loud)

silence

some silence would be nice, and maybe an overflowing cup of grace, an unshakeable amount of faith, and an understanding that God has a constant desire for me.

Here I am

Sometimes the weight of the world is unfair.

I let it have to much power and influence over my life

over things I say

things I hold back

how I limit my love

what makes me happy

bitterness I hold

grace I receive

God make me whole

invade my heavy heart

change me

I lay me down

I need you

seek you

Here I am

rainy days and everything that comes along...

what a wonderful rainy day it was

coffee in the morning with my beautiful sister and mom

after school i came home to find myself locked out of my house

decided to take myself out to lunch

pluto's tri-tip steak sandwich...

and Sex God

A book that I have read about 3-4 times

I opened it to a random page in the chapter

Worth Dying For

and read this

"Do you realize? You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men. You are worth dying for. Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator....But you don't have to give yourself away to earn a man's love. You're better than that. You're already loved."

I know that was a long quote

but totally worth it

I sat there for awhile in Plutos (of all places)

and had an intimate moment with my creator.

wrestled with the fact that I am worth dying for

Really?? I mean come on??

And I felt right there,the second I doubted,

disappointment.

God was disappointed in me for a second.

I felt it... and never want to feel it again.

but in that moment, after doubt...I realized

I am worth dying for

just speaking these words brought me to tears...

and yes, I am still in Plutos.

I was thought about

I was designed

crafted

I am fragile

I am valued

I have purpose

I am pure

I am loved

and looking around with blurred vision from the tears..

I saw people worth dying for.

people are worth dying for.

people that God created... people that God finds joy in, people that don't believe in him, people that make mistakes, people who believe they are not beautiful, people who follow their dreams, people that sacrifice, people who need to be loved, people who need to know God's love

and that no matter what...fill in the blank

No matter,what I said or didn't say, should have or shouldn't have done, believed or not... say it

out loud

(You) I am worth dying for.

He is More than Enough... Am I?

I'm being drawn closer

I'm letting go

I'm going wild

I can't describe the level of intimacy

the depth of grace

and amount of love

and thankfulness

I am feeling to be called His

Fearing Him more and more each day,

allows me to break

bend and

burst the dreams and plans I give myself.

I have given him my life, my heart, my world and He is the creator of my dreams.

If I want him to move mountains, and be the rage in my seas, and the flutter in my heart

all my intentions, actions, and drive must breath Jesus

In my very moments of struggle, happiness, joy, failure, times of need

times of praise

times of laughter

times of selfishness

times of hope

times of shatter

and times of love

I will seek Him

I am caught in awe with the way He loves me

I struggle to see that I am enough.

Having Hope to be Enough

despite it all... jesus

i am happy

despite getting t-boned pulling out of my court today

despite having the worst head ache all day long

despite having to look at an ugly dent every time i get into my car

despite what could have been the worst possible day ever....

jesus saves

jesus loves

jesus cares

jesus believes

jesus does

jesus smiles

jesus listens

jesus is my everything

and for a split second today.. i thought i was going to meet him face to face

but when the spinning in my head stopped and all came back to me

i was still in caught in the beauty of this world

in the midst of chaos

he was calm

my peace

my comfort

foundation.

discouraged to only become encouraged

I feel like my world is crashing in

out of my control

I'm losing sight

I have been discouraged

disheartened

dispirited

I need to be picked up

brought back to life

I have put to much hope, faith, and trust in something of this world

Maybe I was naive, ignorant, or child-like

but whatever it was, it got me down

Funny thing is

I am a fighter

I always have been

Life hasn't always been easy on me

and I have had to fight some battles to become the person I am today

to become me

to accept me

to understand my trials

to learn from my mistakes

to judge myself more than others

to put myself second

to love with everything I have

to give until I have nothing left

to become unstoppable

to have a faith that is contagious

to dream the dreams of my heart

and have the courage to go after them

all of this, all of me, wouldn't be possible

without the love and faith God has in me

my strength comes from him

and him alone

because he has never given up on me

when i have given up on myself...

i live for Him

his mercy brings me to my knees

"His mercy saved me,

His mercy made me whole,

mercy found me and

He called me as his own"

again, i am just a simple girl

that loves to love

my heart is on my sleeve

and i have dreams that will change this world

not to change the world

but to just be apart of this world

making my mark on this world

hoping in this world

i am a dream believer

but most of all a dream seeker

I just want to inspire and lift up

through the actions in my life

I know I am not perfect

I am just me

and I hope you are just you

Finding the Hope to believe in my future

yours too, more importantly :)

Living for Me or My Creator?

there is something so beautiful,

so rare,

and refreshing

when you allow God to be the ultimate

provider in every aspect of your life.

Where no opinion, judgement, or doubt can control you.

When you surrender your heart to him He leaves no room for

jealous

hate

ego

failures

insecurities

It kills me when I see friends looking in all the wrong places

to find happiness and acceptance...

looking to the opposite sex to feel beauty and desired

a pair of designer jeans to fit in

showing more skin to catch an eye

working out every muscle so you don't lose that girl to that guy

never leaving the house without double checking the mirror...

whatever it is in your life that you let define you.. it also controls you

and your ability to live life to the fullest

to love with no limits

and pursue the dreams in your heart

I am guilty of letting these define me,

limiting the ways I love, how I love and how much love

allowing myself to follow and be consumed by things that don't matter

we manipulate our lives in order to fit a checklist that the world creates

that we would do anything for

This isn't how God designed it

So we need to fight it

like He fights for us

cause He would do anything for us.

Why is it so hard to do anything for Him?

Is it wrong that I need you, need to feel you, need to hear you??

When you come to close I fear you, your love is greater than what I can handle

I no longer want to have to defend who I have become...

i desire to become all you have for me

i was called not to be apart of this world

but to live in this world

shining for you in this world

hoping for this world

dreaming the undreamable in this world

going against the desires of this world

finding the beauty in this world

spreading the love of humanity in this world

being beautifully alive for you in this world

Where I come to find....

I have struggled with finding where my worth and happiness come from

I have looked in all the wrong places...

"Lord, I am begging you to hold on tight

right now as I pour my heart out in hope for my future

In hope you wont let go

Im giving you my life

and bearing it all for you"

(side prayer, before I begin to let it all come out)

I am broken

I struggle with finding my innocence

probably due to my past of...

pain, a selfish, unhealthy kind of love, and the tight grip evil had on me

I was numb to life, to God's love, his very presence was absent

I was consumed by a worldly sin that was out of my hands

out of my control

(Have you ever been in a situation that is 100%

out of your control that you cannot explain

and are to afraid to change?)

When everything in my world is

crashing down, spinning, and paused as the world around continues on

these are the moments when He draws me near, takes my hand and never lets go

never lets go

he never let go

I get taken back to these moments...

Like I go through seasons in my life where I forget, where I don't believe.

Like it was all a dream

(and I wish it all was)

And then I open eyes to see God's face staring back at me

and wrapped in His arms

man he holds on tight.

more to come... just had to get this off my heavy heart

My hope is in God for this one..

Let your Hope be His Hope

Most Inspiring...

Today, My mom told me that I am going to make a guy very lucky one day.

That means a lot coming from her.

My mom is one of the most inspiring people you will ever meet

She takes my breath away

Her impact on the world with her kindness is contagious

She loves with a love that is eternal and whole and all-encompassing.

A few words to describe her:

loving

motherly

beautiful(inside and out)

faithful

serving

contagious

strong...beyond measure

determined

devoted

supportive

tender

lovely

etc..

Everyday I am grateful for her -- that I get to be her daughter.

I hope to become like her one day

and make a guy very lucky ;)